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TALKING WITH KIDS ABOUT SEX AND
RELATIONSHIPS
Most parents want to do
their best in talking with their kids about sex
and sexuality, but we're often not sure how to
begin. Studies show that kids who feel they can
talk with their parents about sex -- because
their parents speak openly and listen carefully
to them -- are less likely to engage in
high-risk behavior as teens than kids who do not
feel they can talk with their parents about the
subject. So explore your feelings about sex. If
you are very uncomfortable with the subject,
read some books and discuss your feelings with a
trusted friend, relative, physician, or clergy
member. The more you examine the subject, the
more confident you'll feel discussing it. Even
if you can't quite overcome your discomfort,
don't worry about admitting it to your kids.
It's okay to say something like, "You know,
I'm uncomfortable talking about sex because my
parents never talked with me about it. But I
want us to be able to talk about anything-
including sex- so please come to me if you have
any questions. And if I don't know the answer,
I'll find out."
Start early
Teaching your
children about sex demands a gentle, continuous
flow of information that should begin as early
as possible - for instance, when teaching your
toddler where his nose and toes are, include
"this is your penis" or "this is
your vagina" in your talks. As your child
grows, you can continue her education by adding
more materials gradually until she understands
the subject
well. |
Take the initiative
- if your child hasn't started asking
questions about sex, look for a good opportunity
to bring it up. Say, for instance, the mother of
an 8-year-old's best friend is pregnant. You can
say, "Did you notice that David's mommy's
tummy is getting bigger? That's because she's
going to have a baby and she's carrying it
inside her. Do you know how the baby got inside
her?" then let the conversation move from
there.
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Talk about more than the "Birds and
the Bees"
While our children need to
know the biological facts about sex, they also
need to understand that sexual relationships
involve caring, concern and responsibility. By
discussing the emotional aspect of a sexual
relationship with your children, they will be
better informed to make decisions later on and
to resist peer pressure. If your child is a
pre-teen, you need to include some message about
the responsibilities and consequences of sexual
activity. Conversations with 11 and
12-year-olds, for example, should include talks
about unwanted pregnancy and how they can
protect themselves.
Don't overlook 'dating', when discussing
sex with their child is dating. As opposed to
movies, where two people meet and later end up
in bed together, in real life there is time to
get to know each other- time to hold hands, go
bowling, see a movie, or just talk. Children
need to know that this is an important part of a
caring
relationship. |
Give accurate, age-appropriate
information
Talk about sex in a way
that fits the age and stage of your child. If
your 8-year-old asks why boys and girls change
so much physically as they grow, you can say
something like, "The body has special
chemicals called hormones that tell it whether
to become a boy or a girl. A boy has a penis and
testicles, and when he grows older his voice
gets lower and he gets more hair on his body. A
girl has a vulva and vagina, and when she gets
older she grows breasts and her hips grow
rounder." |
Anticipate questions
Children can get
frightened and confused by the sudden changes
their bodies begin to go through as they reach
puberty. To help stop any anxiety, talk with
your kids not only about their current stage of
development but about the next stage, too.
Anticipate their questions- An 9-year-old girl
is old enough to learn about menstruation, just
as a boy that age is ready to learn how his body
will change.
It's our
responsibility to let our children know our
values about sex. Although they may not adopt
these values as they mature, at least they'll be
aware of them as they struggle to figure out how
they feel and want to behave.
Don't feel uncomfortable talking
with the child about topics like sex, if the
youngster is of the opposite gender. While
that's certainly understandable, don't let it
become an excuse to close off conversation. If
you're a single mother of a son, for example,
you can turn to books to help guide you or ask
your doctor for some advice on how to bring up
the topic with your child. If there are two
parents in the household, it might feel less
awkward to have the dad talk with the boy and
the mom with the girl. That's not a hard and
fast rule, though. If you're comfortable talking
with either sons or daughters, go right ahead.
Just make sure that gender differences don't
make subjects like sex
taboo. |
You may not have all the answers-
Don't worry! What you know is a lot less
important than how you respond. If you can
convey the message that no subject, including
sex, is forbidden in your home, you'll be doing
just fine. |
Some FAQ's
What's safe sex?
If two people
have sexual intercourse, and one of them has HIV
or another sexually transmitted disease, he
could give it to his partner(s). Doctors believe
that if the man wears a latex condom whenever he
has intercourse, it helps to protect him and his
partner from giving each other HIV. That's why
people call sexual intercourse with a latex
condom "safe
sex." |
Is it true that you can't get pregnant the
first time that you have sex?
No. You can get pregnant anytime you have
sexual intercourse. Wearing a latex condom,
taking birth control pills, or using other
contraceptives are very effective at preventing
pregnancy. However, the only absolute way to not
get pregnant is to not have sex at all. You
might also use this question as an opportunity
to point out that not having sexual intercourse
is a good idea for teens. Help them understand
there are other ways to show
affection. |
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