DIETING AND WEIGHT
CONTROL
The Simple, Basic, Obvious
Truth about Losing Weight
Obviously, the only sane way to lose
weight, and to keep it off, is to keep off high
cal foods.
And get
yourself on, and then stick to, a regular,
planned, conscientious program of purchasing
newly published diet books. Some that are
recommended include:
- The Handsome Sincere
Random Doctor Medical Diet
- Poop Yourself Thin
- The Elvis Presley
Memorial Diet
- The Total Tapeworm Diet
- How to lose Weight in
Depression
- Weight Loss
Plan
All of these books and
thousands more are just as good, many of them
offering such proven and time-tested features as
consecutively numbered pages.
One theory is that Desserts Makes You Fat
and so here is a diet plan designed to encourage
you to skip the dessert... Here is as
typical day's menu:
BREAKFAST
- Froot Loops
- Eclairs with side
orders of bacon
- DESSERT: One slice
whole wheat toast
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LUNCH
- Snickers
- Fries
- Any number of
cheeseburgers
- DESSERT: Cottage cheese
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DINNER
-
Dixie cup filled with
sugar
- Melted Turkish taffy
soup
- Big lumps of chocolate
with fudge sauce
- DESSERT: That pathetic
lettuce festooned with clearly visible insect
eggs
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Some people have tried this diet
for several weeks, and found that not only were
they able to skip many desserts, but they
could'nt sleep as well.
Common Questions Often
Asked about Losing Weight
Q.
|
Do I actually have to read
my diet books?
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A.
|
No.
There is no medical evidence that reading leads
to weight loss. Simply keep the books in a
prominent location in your home, and
occasionally press them against your thighs and
buttocks.
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Q.
|
Is there any kind of
operation I can have that will help me lose
weight?
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A.
|
There
are quite a few such operations, but probably
the most effective one, with the fewest negative
side effects, is to have an airline pet
transporter bonded to your skull with
fast-drying epoxy cement enabling you to eat
only those foods which will pass through the
mesh door, such as fettuccine and licorice.
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Q.
|
What about absurd
mechanical weight loss devices, such as those
motorized belts that were always shown jiggling
the massive hips of pasty middle-aged females?
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A.
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These
devices are extremely effective. The fat just
melts away. Two such females, in fact, went on
to become Bo Derek and Victoria Principal. This
is why you never see those machines in health
clubs any more: The clubs took them out because
their members were leaving at an alarming rate
to accept lucrative film contracts. This is a
shame, really, because it leaves the
weight-conscious person without any kind of
guaranteed, surefire, safe, proven weight loss
device. If only somebody would make such a
device available to the general public.
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