TEETH
You should brush them immediately before having conversations, using a tube of toothpaste with these words printed on the side. "The Worldwide Dental Association has found this to be an effective tube of toothpaste when squeezed from the bottom in conjunction with a program of regular payments to a member of the Association."

GUMS AND ARMPITS
Floss them regularly. If you use the same floss, do your gums first.

HAIR
Shampoo regularly with a shampoo bearing the name of a reputable beauty snot, such as Vidal Sassoon. Also, be alert for dandruff, an incurable disease where little pieces of your head keep falling off until eventually all you have left is two eyeballs on stalks protruding from your neck and you look like a gigantic lobster walking around wearing clothes. Scratching only makes it worse.

FEET
There's an old saying about feet that goes: "I had no shoes, and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet; so I took his shoes". Better than anything I could think of, this saying illustrates the importance of proper foot care. Each day you should spend a minimum of an hour examining your feet closely under a 200-watt light bulb and picking at your toenails with various foot care implements available at Harrod's. This is something the whole family can do together. Stress to your children that they should not mention it to the authorities.